A woman carries her infant son onto a bus. The driver visibly recoils, saying "Jesus Christ, I'm sorry, but that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen in my life!" Stunned and highly distressed, the woman slaps down the change for her ticket and stumbles in tears to a seat. The man sitting next to her notices her distress, and asks what's wrong. "That bus driver just said the most incredibly offensive thing to me!" she snaps, seething with outrage. "Well, I don't see why you should let him get away with that," replies her fellow passenger. "I think you should go back up there and give him a piece of your mind." "You know what, you're right," she exclaims, "I will!" "Good on you! Tell you what, while you go and do that, why don't I hold your monkey?"
I've found a chip shop that serves small portions of fish on photocopier paper. It's a little plaice on the A4.
While stitching a cut on the hand of an old farmer, the doctor struck up a conversation with him. Eventually the topic got around to politicians and their role as our leaders. The old farmer said, "Well, as I see it, most politicians are 'Post Turtles' : when you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle." The old farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain. "You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function, and you just wonder what kind of an idiot put him there in the first place.”
I said to the doctor that I cant pronounce my f's and th's and he said " well, you cant say fairer than that !"
A man moves to the Shetland Islands to live in solitude for a while However after some months he starts to grow lonely and wishes for some company. Two weeks later a great storm comes in, and amid the thunder and lightning three great knocks come at his door. He opens the door to find a large man in a kilt smiling widely. The Scott at the door exclaims "I come to invite you to a party!" The man, shocked, asks what he's getting himself into. "Well," said the Scott, "there'll be drinkin'. There's always drinkin' at a Scottish Party." The man nods and replies "Well, I fancy myself a good drink now and then. That sounds good to me." "And," continues the Scott, "there'll be fightin'. There's always a good fight at a Scottish Party." The man nods again and, with a grin, says "that's alright, I've been known to hold my own in a good brawl." "AND," interjects the Scott, "there'll be SEX. WILD Shetland SEX." The man stands, excitedly, and says "WELL! This sounds fantastic! I've been alone for months. I'll be there! What should I wear!?" "Oh just come as y'are, Laddy," the Scott replies, "it'll just be the two of us "
