The biggest, toughest American soldier in the platoon in Eastern Europe limps in, badly injured. His Captain yells, "Good Lord Corporal! What happened to you?" "Well Captain", he says, wiping blood from his face, "I was out on watch, and I looked across the road. And I saw this Russian soldier, real big bastard. And I looked at him, and he looked at me. So I started walking towards him, and he starting walking towards me. And we met in the middle of the road." "And I said to him 'Putin is an evil, murdering, election cheating tyrant!" "And he said to me, 'Trump is retarded, lying, spoiled rotten little baby!" "While we were standing there shaking hands, we got hit by a truck."
It's not so easy to donate a kidney as you think. They ask all sorts of questions, like, " Where did you get it?" and "Whose is it?"
Playing the lottery gives you a one in a million chance of not going in to work tomorrow... Vodka gives you a one in five chance!
Wife: Look at that drunk guy. Husband: Who is he? Wife: 10 years ago he proposed to me and I rejected him. Husband: Oh my God he’s still celebrating...
