I walked into a car showroom last night. I said to the salesman, “My wife would like to talk to you about the Volkswagen Golf in the showroom window.” He said, “We don’t have a Volkswagen Golf in the window.” I said, “You fucking do now".
My wife went into hospital last night after an acid attack, "Will I still be attractive?" She sobbed. The doctor had a quick look, and said, "Sure, but you may have to have some facial reconstruction and wear a mask.... How does that sound to you?" "Not good!" My wife replied, "The acid only hit me on my leg."
A customer approaches the shop assistant and asks, "In what aisle could I find the Irish sausage?" The assistant asks, "Are you Irish?" The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican? Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?" The assistant says, "No, I probably wouldn't." The guy says, "Well then, just because I asked for Irish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Irish?" The assistant replied, "Because this is Argos"
David Beckham gets away with speeding despite admitting it. The judge accepted that Victoria starting to sing was a valid defence.
