I said to a Policeman "If I called you a twat would you arrest me? The Policeman replied "Yes I would arrest you" I said "What if I was just thinking you're a twat"? "There's not much I can do about that" he replied "Good" I said, "Because I think you're a twat"!
Nicola Sturgeon, Donald Trump, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The Devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth. Putin calls Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he was finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a cheque. Next Donald Trump calls the U.S. and talks for 30 minutes. When he's finished the devil informs him that the cost is 6 million dollars, so Trump writes him a cheque. Finally Nicola Sturgeon gets her turn and calls Scotland for 4 hours. When she's finished, the devil informed her that there would be no charge and feel free to call Scotland anytime. Putin and Trump go ballistic and ask the devil why Nicola Sturgeon got to call Scotland free. The devil replied, "Since Nicola Sturgeon became First Minister of Scotland, the Country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."
Chinese Takeaway £24 Petrol to pick it up £2 Getting home and realising one of the useless twats have forgotten one of your containers, Riceless.
Paddy took 2 stuffed dogs to the Antiques Roadshow. The presenter said, "This is a very rare set, produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of the last century. Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?" "Sticks!" Paddy replied
Due to the water shortage in Ireland, Dublin Swimming Baths have announced that they are closing lanes 7 and 8.
My mate went to get a tattoo of an Indian on his back. Half way through he said, "Don't forget to put a big tomahawk in his hand." The tattooist said "For heavens sake, give us a chance mate, I've only just finished his turban!"
A bra designer for Playtex has designed a new bra that stops women's tits from bouncing up and down and stops the nipples from poking out when they are cold. His work colleagues took him outside and kicked the shit out of him.
