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This made me laugh

Discussion in 'Lounge' started by Havit, Sep 23, 2015.

  1. MrOrange

    MrOrange Colonel Kurtz
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    Oct 28, 2015
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    the Heart of Darkness
    FB_IMG_1504794212694.jpg
     
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  2. MrOrange

    MrOrange Colonel Kurtz
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    Oct 28, 2015
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    the Heart of Darkness
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  3. MrOrange

    MrOrange Colonel Kurtz
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    Oct 28, 2015
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    the Heart of Darkness
    FB_IMG_1504793908456.jpg
     
    • Funny Funny x 8
  4. R_1000

    R_1000 Noble Member
    Subscriber

    Sep 2, 2016
    545
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    UK, London
    A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours." The guy left. A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours." The guy left. A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half." The guy left. The barber turned to his friend and said, "Hey, Bob, do me a favor, follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back." A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked, "So, where does he go when he leaves?" Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, "Your house!"
     
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  5. MrOrange

    MrOrange Colonel Kurtz
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    Oct 28, 2015
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    A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking,
    the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and
    eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool
    table and grabs one of the billiard balls. To everyone's amazement, he sticks it in
    his mouth, and somehow swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you
    see what your monkey just did?"

    "No, what?"

    "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... whole!"

    "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight.
    Sorry! I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."

    The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and
    leaves.

    Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a
    drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing
    his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it
    up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.


    Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and
    eats it.

    The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did just now?"

    "No, what?" replied the man.

    "Well, he stuck both a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and
    ate them!" said the bartender.

    "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in
    sight, but ever since he had to crap that cue ball out, he measures everything first now."
     
    • Funny Funny x 8
  6. MrOrange

    MrOrange Colonel Kurtz
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    Just found the wife's g-spot. Who'd have thought her sister had it all this time?
     
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  7. MrOrange

    MrOrange Colonel Kurtz
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    Oct 28, 2015
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    A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

    The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

    "My wife's."

    "What happened to her?"

    The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her." He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?" The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her." A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.

    "Can I borrow the dog?"

    "Get in line."
     
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  8. MrOrange

    MrOrange Colonel Kurtz
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    Oct 28, 2015
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    the Heart of Darkness
    Went for a check up for testicular cancer last week.

    A little Thai nurse cupped my balls and said "don't worry, it's quite normal to get an erection during this procedure"

    I said "I haven't got an erection"

    She said "no, but I have"
     
    • Funny Funny x 7
  9. BS1948

    BS1948 Well-Known Member

    Jun 14, 2016
    673
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    Ferring
    Apparently, last week, they found a guy dead, in his flat, in Abuja (capital of Nigeria) and there was $28 billion in his bedroom.
    They said he'd been trying to give it away for years but nobody would answer his emails!

    Who'd have thought it? ;)
     
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  10. andyc1

    andyc1 The Young One
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    Feb 4, 2017
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    N. Ireland
    a12b5e2a3ed5ac2fa97210242d09810c.jpg 94be22ca43d85a16b43e133606c30fad.jpg 89c0dcd27797a697f769a6e97dfd6b1b.jpg 6f087a751b8fe54502cf31c043d2fba4.jpg 6b1af8cf0c24ba9be1cc8646e17baf46.jpg 48d48a2d4eaf6858c140572f95426768.jpg 4845ba6c43f7ef39b63ac205dfd0af9f.jpg 39fafd9c9ab378fab2906304656cef71.jpg
     
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  11. Bikerman

    Bikerman First Class Member

    Oct 29, 2014
    983
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    Lincolnshire
    No thank heavens, that's a biog one that's for sure.
     
  12. Sprinter

    Sprinter Noble Member

    Aug 17, 2014
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    fried-chicken.jpg Carrying-Groceries.jpg
     
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  13. MrOrange

    MrOrange Colonel Kurtz
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  14. BS1948

    BS1948 Well-Known Member

    Jun 14, 2016
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    Excuse me Sir, I am phoning, from India, about your Windows ......
     
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  15. Red Thunder

    Red Thunder Senior Member
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    Dec 2, 2014
    664
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    High Wycombe
    Genuinely true story/

    Had a guy call into the office last week, display said the number was from Egypt.
    Him: "Hello Sir, my name is Mohamed and I am calling from Microsoft"
    Me: "Oh hi, sure, calling from Egypt about our windows operating system"
    Him: "Yes, that is correct"
    Me: "and your name is Mohamed?.....goodbye"
    Hung up

    a short while later he rings up again

    Him: "Hi, it's Mohamed again from Microsoft, I'm not sure what happened but I a need to speak to Dan in your development team about a ticket on one of your Sequel servers"
    Me: "Oh, um, yes sure...one sec"

    Don't know why he came through on my line but he was genuine!
     
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  16. MrOrange

    MrOrange Colonel Kurtz
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    Show this to the missus, and good luck :laughing:
     
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  17. MrOrange

    MrOrange Colonel Kurtz
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    Oct 28, 2015
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  18. dilligaf

    dilligaf Loudest member
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    Mar 30, 2017
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    Just showed her:)
    OFF was the second word:eek:
     
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  19. stollydriver

    stollydriver Well-Known Member
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    Apr 25, 2015
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    north wales
    Mine hasn't stopped laughing - I don't think it's a good sign - busy hiding anything sharp:bomb:
     
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  20. Tiglet

    Tiglet Vintage Member
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    Mar 28, 2016
    416
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    Cheshire
    What do you call someone who's happy on a Monday

    :):):)RETIRED:):):)
     
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