This made me laugh

Every town should have one!

 

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Time to get my leathers back on after Christmas

 

A man had two of the best tickets for Scotland v England. As he sits down, another man comes along and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

"No", he says, "the seat is empty."

"This is incredible!" said the man, "who in their right mind would have a seat like this for Scotland v England, one of the biggest sporting events of the year, and not use it?"

He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me but she passed away. This is the first International we haven't been to together since we got married."

"Oh... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. I guess you couldn't find someone else, a friend or relative or even a neighbour to take the
seat?"

The man shakes his head... "No. They're all at the funeral.

 

I'd have a difficult time following that instruction, darkman, since I own neither an iron or ironing board.

 

Is that you @Ron Ashurst ????

 

No I had one of them with Santa's helper, no wait that was an Elfie!

 

I met a one armed butler today. Turns out he could take it but not dish it out.

 

Lovely confident child, good job mum.

 

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I don't believe it!

9 weeks til pancake day, and the shops are selling flour and eggs already!

 

A Teacher had Johnny put Worms in 4 jars:
One with Smoke, One with Sperm, One with Alcohol, and One with Soil.
Then he left them there for a day.
The next day the Worm in Smoke: Dead
One with Sperm: Dead
One with Alcohol: Dead
One with Soil: Alive
"So what did you learn Johnny?" asked the Teacher.
Johnny said, "If I Drink, have Sex, and Smoke I won't get Worms."