Professor Higgins at Cork University was giving a lecture on *Involuntary Muscle Contraction* to the first year Medical Students. This was not an exciting subject and the Professor decided to lighten up the mood. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, 'Do you know what your Asshole is doing while you're having an Orgasm"..?? She replied, 'Probably playing Golf with his Buddies.’ It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom.
I got cut off by a taxi driver last week. I was walking through town today and I saw him at the back of the queue at the taxi rank. I got in the first taxi in the queue and said "How much to the station ?" "£5" said the driver. "And how much for a blow job ?" I asked him. "That's disgusting" he said "Get out of my cab" I got in the second taxi and said "How much to the station ?". "£5" said the driver. "And how much for a blow job ?" I asked him. "I'm not having any of that" he said "Get out of my cab" I worked my way down the line, getting thrown out of each taxi in turn, until I came to my target at the back of the queue. "How much to the station ?". "£5" said the driver. "Ok" I said "Let's go" As we pulled out and overtook the other taxis I wound the window down and gave all the other drivers a thumbs up with a big grin on my face!!.
The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you." Yes, she says, "I remember it well." OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?" "Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!" A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them. The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?" Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
New scientific evidence has come to light that one pint of beer takes nine minutes off your life. According to my calculations, I died sometime in September 1845.
I once was able to quote most monty python scripts perfectly. “Your mother was a hamster and your father smelled of elderberries’ was one of the classics. Dunno who the other lot were in the clip though. Lord of the rings?
The air Traffic Controller on duty in the air traffic control tower suddenly lost communication with a small twin engine aircraft. A moment later the tower landline rang and was answered by one of the employees. The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a mobile phone. He yelled, "Mayday, mayday! The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack. I grabbed his phone out of his pocket and he had told me before we took off he had the tower on his speed dial memory. I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and traveling at 180 mph. Mayday, mayday!" The employee in the tower immediately put him on speaker phone: "Calm down, we acknowledge you and we'll guide you down after a few questions. The first thing is not to panic. Remain calm!" He began his series of questions: Tower: "How do you know you are traveling at 18,000 feet?" Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the altimeter dial in front of me." Tower: "Okay, that's good, remain calm. How do you know you're traveling at 180 mph?" Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 180 mph on the airspeed dial in front of me." Tower: "Okay, this is great so far, but it's heavily overcast. So how you do you know you're flying upside down?" Aircraft: "The shit in my pants is running out of my shirt collar."
Paddy is lugging a big heavy wardrobe down the road, sweating, struggling and swearing. Mrs Finnigan passing by says "why don't you get your brother Mick to help you Paddy?" "Sure, I can't. He's inside it, carrying the clothes".
