Yorkshire mill owners son returns home after finishing university. "Nah then lad, tha can forget all that fancy uni stuff, all tha needs is good hand language, it's universal" "Thee thumb for example, every bugger knows a thumb stuck up means well done, great stuff" "Thee thumb facing down means rubbish, pile of shite, crap" "T'index finger, pointing in to yer means come ere thee" "T'index finger pointing away means bugger off, tek thee hook" "Thee Middle finger, well lad that's thee pleasure finger, I'll come back to that later" "Next finger, get a bloody big ring on that, let the buggers see that you've got a bob or two" "Yer little finger, well that's a sign of yer class and upbringing, stick it out while thar supping thee tea and brandy and stuff. The son can hardly contain himself and wanting to know more about the middle 'pleasure finger' asks his Dad "Well lad, tha uses thee pleasure finger at neet time, .................... When thar counting thee brass"
An old geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic. He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's clinic. Get your treatment for $500, if not cured, get back $1,000." Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic. Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me? Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth." Dr. Young: Aaagh!! -- "This is Gasoline!" Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500. Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money. Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything." Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth." Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't, -- that is Gasoline!" Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back . That will be $500." Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days. Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see anything!" Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, "Here's your $1000 back." (giving him a $10 bill). Dr. Young: "But this is only $10!" Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500." Moral of story -- Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "old Geezer" Remember: Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to tick us off. P.S. Written in large print for old Geezers.
Two men in a bar. One says "A girl I met in London gave me a sexually transmitted disease". His mate replies "you were lucky, in Yorkshire you would have had to pay for it!"
Young guy picks a girl up in a nightclub. Guy says "Do you fancy coming back to my place ?" Girl replies "Yeah, but I need to tell you that I am on my menstrual cycle" Guy "No problem love, you can follow me back, I'm on my Honda 250"
Biker goes into a bar and accidentally bumps into a guy drinking at the bar. Guy turns nasty and takes the biker by surprise with a blow to the neck, knocking him out. Guy says to the barman "when he wakes up tell him that was a 1927 Shuto-uchi karate chop" Couple of weeks later biker goes back to the bar and seeing the Guy hits him on the back of the head knocking him out stone cold. Biker says to the barman "when he wakes up tell him that was a 1952 BSA crankshaft"
Clarke and Dawe. Australian satirists. Brilliant. John Clarke is actually a kiwi and famous for Fred Dagg. An institution.
Young fella decides to do the right thing and ask his girlfriends parents permission to marry her. Mother says "well before you take the plunge we think you ought to know that she has acute angina" "Aye, tits are very fair as well" came the reply.
Me and the wife have the cutest pet names for each other. She is my sweet little honey bun. I'm her little useless sack of shit.
Lipstick in School (You've got to love this principal) According to a news report, a certain private school in Brisbane was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip-prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally, the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip-prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses). To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip-prints on the mirror. There are teachers .... and then there are educators
