This made me laugh

Christmas is coming so be careful on the roads as quite a lot of guys will be having a few drinks and letting their wives drive

 

My grandfather just died. In a way I'm quite proud of him. He died having sex with my grandma, he was 93 years old and was getting his thing on. Anyways my grandma said 'We were doing it on Sunday morning, it was Sunday because he could use the church bells to pace himself'. I think he would be alive today if an ice cream van hadn't gone past.'

 

WTF

 

Safety first.

 

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A man visits the council to apply for a job


During his job interview, the interviewer asks him "Are you allergic to anything?" to which the man replies "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"Ok, have you ever been in the military service before?"

"Yes," he says. "I was in Iraq for one tour."

The interviewer replies "That will give you 5 extra points towards employment." After this, he asks "Are you disabled in any way?"

The applicant says "Yes, a bomb exploded near me and I lost both of my testicles"

After hearing this, the interviewer grimaces and then says "Okay. You have enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are 8am to 4pm. You can start tomorrow at 10am, and plan on starting at 10am every day"

The man is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8am to 4pm, why don't you want me here until 10am?"

"This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that"

 

A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks ‘Why is the last one so cheap?’


"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15.

When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs.

When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laugh too.

When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"

 

A tough old cowboy from Texas counseled his granddaughter that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on her oatmeal every morning.
The granddaughter did this religiously until the age of 103, when she died.
She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren, and a 40-foot hole where the crematorium used to be.