This made me laugh

Chinese takeaway?

 

I was on this train late the other night, and this bird sat opposite me with a mini skirt on and no drawers. So I sat there, inspecting it as you would, and she said ‘if you come closer it’ll smile at you’. So I did. And feck me the ends curled up and it smiled. Having a closer look, she said ‘if you come closer it’ll wink too’ So I did, and feck me it winked. She said, ‘i bet you’d like to stick two fingers in there wouldn’t you’ I replied, ‘don’t tell me it whistles as well’

 

https://www.autotrader.co.uk/classi...=at_bikes&radius=1501&postcode=ab441sp&page=1

 

I've been banned from my local chemist, all I said to the assistant was "Do you swallow it or take it up the arse" How the feck did I know what to do with those suppository thingies.

 

Usain Bolt goes to join a golf club. The secretary says "We don't allow blacks at this club. However there's a club 10 minutes down the road that take blacks. " Furious, Bolt replies "do you know who I am? I'm Usain fecking Bolt!" "Oh, sorry, " replies the Secretary. "In that case, it's 5 minutes down the road! "

 

I nearly got knocked off my bike by a council salt wagon last night. "You dozy fecking twat" I shouted, through gritted teeth.

 

An Essex girl gets knocked off her bike and takes a nasty whack to the head. A paramedic rushes over to check her for injuries. "How many fingers have I got up?" She suddenly bursts into tears. "Feck me, I'm a paralysed from the waist down, I can't feel any"

 

Paddy and Murphy, come across a girl who's bike has a flat tyre. Murphy leaves Paddy to help her and goes on his way. A few mins later Paddy passes Murphy on the girl's bike. "What the feck happened"? asks Murphy. "Well, I fixed her bike and be jaysus she takes her feckin knickers off, lies on the ground and says, take what you want big boy! "So I took the bike.'' "Good on ye'' says Murphy, ''I'm sure the feckin knickers wouldn't fit ya anyway"

 

Johnny had a swearing problem and his father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask a shrink what to do. The shrink said that since Christmas was coming up that he should ask Johnny what he wanted Santa to bring him and if Johnny swore he should leave a pile of dog shit in place of the gift. So two days before Christmas Johnny"s dad asked Johnny what he wanted. Johnny said, "I want a fucking teddy-bear laying right fucking here beside me when I fucking wake-up Christmas morning. Then when I go downstairs I want to see a fucking train going around the fucking tree, and when I go outside I want to see a fucking bike leaning up against the fucking garage."On Christmas morning Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a big pile of dog shit. Confused, he walked downstairs and saw a bunch of dog shit around the Christmas tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog shit by the garage. When he walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his dad smiled and asked, "So Johnny, what did Santa bring you this year?" Johnny replied, "I think I got a fucking dog but I can"t find the bastard

 

A Liverpool girl goes to the welfare office to register for child benefit. "How many children?" asks the welfare officer. "Ten" replies the Liverpool girl, "Ten?" says the welfare worker. "What are their names?" "Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan,Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan and Nathan" replies the Liverpool girl "Doesn't that get confusing?" "Naah..." says the Liverpool girl, "It's great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout 'Nathan yer dinner's ready!' or ''Nathan go to bed now!' and they all do it. "What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the curious welfare worker. "That's easy," says the Liverpool girl... "I just use their surnames"

 

Police in Liverpool pulled over a local lad and were amazed to find the car taxed M.O.T. tested and insured. It wasn't stolen and there were no stolen goods or drugs found. The driver was sober AND He had a full licence and no points. A police spokesman said, "We had no option but to fine him £80 for wasting police time."

 

I was in a queue in a bank , this fat, ugly, loud woman and her 2 kids were behind me. She was yelling like fuck at them when I asked her "Lovely kids you have there, are they twins?" The ugly woman stops yelling long enough to say "No they're not fucking twins, one is 9 and the other is 7, why the fuck would you say they're twins, are you blind or fuckin stupid?" "I'm neither blind or stupid madam" I replied "I just can't fucking believe someone would shag you twice!"

 

A teacher starts a new job at a primary school on Merseyside and, trying to make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class that she"s a big football fan and supports Liverpool. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Liverpool fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: "Mary, why didn"t you raise your hand?" "Because I"m not a Liverpool fan miss," she replies. The teacher, still shocked asks:"Well, if your not a Liverpool Fan, then who are you a fan of?" "I"m a West Ham fan, and proud of it," Mary replies. The teacher can"t believe her ears. "Mary, how come you"re a Hammers fan?" "Because my mum and dad are from London"s East End and are West Ham fans, so I"m a West Ham fan too!" "Still," says the teacher, annoyed, "that"s no reason for you to be a West Ham fan as well. You don"t have to be like your parents all the time, do you? What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict and car thief. Would you be like them then?" "No," smiles Mary, "I"d be a fucking Liverpool fan."

 

They've had to cancel the panto 'Jack & the Beanstalk' this Christmas in Birmingham, Bristol, Oldham, Bradford, Burnley, Leicester, Luton and London. Apparently the giant couldn't smell any Englishmen.

 

I asked my Welsh friend how many sexual partners he'd had. He started counting but he fell asleep.

 

Dear Deirdre. My boyfriend's a right dick! He told me the best cure for constipation was anal sex. I didn't believe him but after some persuasion, he talked me into it and I let him stick his big fat knob into my tiny little arsehole. He shagged me up the bum really hard then after a while, shot his muck, deep into my bowels. He's just rung me this morning saying he wants to try it again as he's still constipated. What should I do? Sharon of Essex

 

An Arab was being interviewed at a US checkpoint. "Your name please?" “Abdul Aziz” “Sex? ” “Six times a week!” “No, no, I mean male or female.” “Doesn’t matters, sometimes even camel.”

 

I've bought the wife a pair of crotchless knickers for Halloween. There's nothing sexual in it, it's just that she'll get a better grip on her broomstick