This made me laugh

I was speeding down the motorway at 100mph in my lorry when a motorbike came up along side me. He looked at me...did a handstand on his bike, then tapped my window. "You haven"t got a fag have you mate?" he said. "A fag....you"re going to f****** kill yourself!" I shouted. "No......I only smoke 10 a day," he said.

 

Shouldn't laugh ..... but I pissed myself!
This guy is having a seriously bad day!

https://dms.licdn.com/playback/C4D0...t=2mnaWHXrT7EMlgVE_FpfxhfsTtql1igjWiRKZYzpV3s

 

That was REALLY funny - anyone got a 'kill' switch ?

 

A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the wife asked, "Honey, if I died would you get married again?" The husband said, "No sweetie." The woman said, "I'm sure you would." So the man said, "Okay, I would" Then the woman asked, "Would you let her sleep in our bed?" And the man replied, "Yes, I guess so." Then the wife asked, "Would you let her use my golf clubs?" And the husband replied, "No, she's left handed."

 

My mate broke his leg so I went to see him at home. “How are you mate?” “Yeah I’m okay. But do me a favour mate. Go fetch my slippers from upstairs. My feet are freezing.” I went upstairs and found his two gorgeous 19 year old daughters lying naked on the bed. I said “Your dad’s sent me up here to have sex with both of you. They respond “Get away with ya... Prove it.” I shouted downstairs “Hey, mate! Both of them?” He shouted back “Of course both of them! What’s the point in f*cking one?”

 

Why do people think Jesus is coming back? He wasn’t nailed to a f*cking boomerang.

 

My Chinese neighbour said he's just opened a crows shop. Speaking slowly, I said "you mean a *clothes* shop?" He says, "No, a crows shop - come in and have a rook."

 

I went on a date with a blonde woman last night. "Do you have any kids?" she asked. "Yes," I replied. "I have one child that's just under two." She said, "I might be blonde, but I know how many one is."

 

Las Vegas and Scunthorpe:- the only two places in the world where you can pay for sex with chips....

 

I was attacked by a group of mime artists. They did unspeakable things to me.

 

A blonde is standing on one side of the canal (well, we're in Holland..), and spots another blonde on the other side. She shouts "EY, how do I get to the other side?", whereupon the other girl replies: "you're already there"...

 

I used to work at a cats' home, but I had to jack it in. They reduced meowers.

 

Detective Inspector Smith was puzzled by three bodies that had arrived at the mortuary earlier that day. All three of the deceased men had huge smiles on their faces. He asked the pathologist to call him the next day with any findings he may have. Sure enough, the next day the pathologist calls; "Well?" asks the detective, "what did you find out?" "First man's a Scotsman - 37, died of alcohol poisoning. He won £2,000 three weeks ago and has spent the lot on whisky. Hence the huge grin" "And the second man?" "Frenchman, 52 - died whilst making love to his mistress - hence the huge smile" "Hmmm...so what about the last of the three?" "Irishman, 29. Killed by lightning." "Why the huge smile, though?" "He thought someone was taking his photo…."

 

Aussie humour; A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian Coast He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her. Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of police officers, an old Sergeant and a younger Constable. The Sergeant says, "Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news." "Well," says the bloke, "I guess I'd better have the bad news first." The Sergeant says, "I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead." The bloke is naturally distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is. The Sergeant says, "Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few Really good sized lobsters and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share." He hands the bloke a bag with a couple of nice lobsters and four or five crabs in it. "Aww thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that... so, what's the other possible good news?" "Well," the Sergeant says, "If you fancy a quick trip, young Bill and I get off duty at around 11 o'clock... and we're going to shoot over there and pull her up again".