This made me laugh

A fiver that's a bit rich!

 

I once grilled a chicken for two hours.

It still wouldn't tell me why it crossed the road.

 

Aye up Pal-let me come with you?

 

Apparently some men have trouble finding the cathedral.

 

I got in touch with my inner self this morning.
That's the last time I buy Tesco value toilet rolls.

 

Me to the wife: "Be honest. Do women ever look at a guy and just think; I'd hit that?"

My wife: "Sure. With a shovel, with a baseball bat, with my car..."

 

Just some nice Halloween pumpkins.

 

My wife likes to expound on her vegan lifestyle.

But I'm sure you all heard it from herbivore.