This made me laugh

My Wife’s always accusing me of being stingy but I’m not buying it!

 

You just can’t rely on tradesmen these days. I paid a joiner to make me a new bed last week and he’s done a bunk.

 

Militant egg activists have taken to the street!

 

Three guys are camping in a small tent. When they wake up one of them says "I had a great dream last night. I dreamed a woman was giving me a hand job."
The second says, "I had the same dream. It was great!" The guy sleeping in between them says, "I dreamed I was skiing."

 

A man from Ashington visits the optician for an eye test.
The optician says,
'Can you see the board ok?'
The man from Ashington replies,
'Board? I cannit even see the cage.'

 

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife at all.
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact:
...
"Marion...Marion..."
"Is that you, Bob?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"That's wonderful! What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.
Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again.
Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"
"Oh, Bob are you in Heaven?"
"No...I'm a rabbit in Arizona!"

 

A woman finds a leak under her kitchen sink on Christmas Eve. She calls a plumber, and he tells her he'll come out, but because of the holiday, it's going to cost her extra. He goes over, repairs the leak and presents her with a bill. She's shocked by the amount and tells the plumber she can't afford the $350 bill. She then smiles and says she can give him $250 cash and pay him in kind for the remaining $100 as she reaches for his crotch. He says OK and drops his drawers. She gasps at his prodigious size. The plumber then reaches into his toolbox and starts putting washers on his member. She says, what are you doing?" The plumber says, " You're not getting the whole thing for a hundred bucks."

 

I walked in from my doctor's visit holding the report and smiling.

Wife: "I take it from the smile on your face it went well".

Me handing her the report: "It went great. In fact, the doctor said you have to give me a hand job whenever I want one."

Wife reading report: "Idiot. This says you could have a stroke at any time."

 

1. In the 1400s a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb.
Hence we have 'the rule of thumb.'
2. Many years ago in Scotland , a new game was invented. It was ruled 'Gentlemen Only...
Ladies Forbidden'... and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.
3. Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:
Spades - King David,
Hearts - Charlemagne,
Clubs -Alexander the Great,
Diamonds - Julius Caesar
4. In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase......... 'goodnight, sleep tight.'
5. It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink.
Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.
6. In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts...
So in old England , when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them 'Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down.'
It's where we get the phrase 'mind your P's and Q's'
7. Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim or handle of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service.
'Wet your whistle' is the phrase inspired by this practice.
8. In 1696, William III of England introduced a property tax that required those living in houses with more than six windows to pay a levy. In order to avoid the tax, house owners would brick up all windows except six. (The Window Tax lasted until 1851, and older houses with bricked-up windows are still a common sight in the U.K.) As the bricked-up windows prevented some rooms from receiving any sunlight, the tax was referred to as “daylight robbery”!
Now, there you have the origin of these phrases.
Interesting isn’t it!!

 

This didn't make me laugh, but it did make me do a double-take.

I looked out the middle window of our front door and saw the pumpkin on the patio in the first picture just below. I asked my wife when she had carved it. She said that I was the pumpkin carver, not she. I told her I didn't do it as she looked out of the window. "Sure, you didn't." I didn't! Really! I neither carved it, nor did I put a light in it.



It's a spooky Halloween miracle!

The outside pumpkin is perfectly lined up with the reflection in the door glass of the lighted, ceramic pumpkin in our living room! pictured below!