This made me laugh

A guy sees a fellow on a park bench talking to a little spider in a small box. To his amazement, the spider is talking back. He offers the fellow $1000 dollars for the spider, thinking he could make some money with the spider at the bar. The fellow agrees and the guy takes the spider home. When he gets home, he says to the spider, "How about we go down to the pub for a pint?" The spider doesn't answer. He asks again and there's no response. Beginning to think the fellow in the park was a ventriloquist and that he'd been duped he says loudly "I SAID, HOW ABOUT WE GO DOWN TO THE PUB FOR A PINT?" The spider says,
"I heard you the first time. I'm putting on my fucking shoes."

 

The Madam opened the brothel door in Belfast and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties:
“May I help you sir?” She asked.
The man replied. “I want to see Rosie.”
“Sir, Rosie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else.” Said the madam.
He replied. “No, I must see Rosie.”
Just then, Rosie appeared and announced to the man she charged £10,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten thousand pounds and gave it to Rosie and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Rosie. Rosie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. “There are no discounts. The price is still £10,000.”
Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Rosie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Rosie and they went upstairs.
After their session, Rosie said to the man. “No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?”
The man replied. “Falls Road .”
“Really.” She said. “I have family on the Falls Road.”
“I know.” The man said. “Your sister died and I am her Solicitor. She asked me to give you your £30,000 inheritance.”
The moral of this story is, that three things in life are certain:
1. Death.
2. Taxes.
3. Being screwed by a lawyer....