This made me laugh

Unfortunately I've just got fired from my weekend job in an ice cream shop. I couldn't do Sundae's.

 

And SHE looked a bit different when she was just a little schoolBOY.

 

Not by much

 

Let me start by saying that my wife is not a dummy. She is very smart, really, but sometimes...

My lawn is about 3/4 of an acre. Years ago, I had a self-propelled lawn mower before I got my riding mower. The lawn was a chore, even with the self-propelled mower. One hot afternoon I came home to find the lawn had been cut! Inside the house my wife was on the couch, totally spent, exhausted. I thanked her for doing the lawn. She said, between heaving breaths, "I don't know what you paid for the self-propelled mower, but it wasn't worth it!" I said, "Oh no! Maybe the drive belt broke. Did the lever feel loose when you pulled it in?" She says, "What lever?"

Another time I was about to drill into a wall to put up a curtain rod. My house is block construction. Once you get through the plaster and hit the cinder block, the drill starts pumping out black powder. Really messy. So, I asked her to hold the vacuum cleaner hose up to where I was drilling to suck in the powder. I got the drill into position and waited for her to turn on the vacuum. And I waited. And waited. WTF? Now, mind you, we've had this vacuum for two years, I asked her what she was waiting for. She answers, "How do you turn this thing on?"

If I said my wife was a lousy housekeeper, it might give you the impression that she does some housekeeping but doesn't do it well. That's not the case. She just doesn't do any. Thank God for the cleaning gal that comes in every other week. Otherwise, I could write that novel in the dust on the furniture.

 

We had an eclipse on Monday. I read that you could view the eclipse safely if you watched through a colander. I was going to try this, but I thought it might strain my eyes.

 

When I die I'd like to go like my old Dad, peacefully in his sleep and not screaming like his passengers.

 

Whomever stole my Microsoft, I will find you.

You have my Word.

 

I used to work for Autocorrect.

They fired me for no raisin.