This made me laugh

For 2 weeks now, a man in Moscow has been going every morning to a newsagents, where he scans the front page of every newspaper. Then he shakes his head and goes out without buying anything.

This morning, a shop assistant challenged him, and asked what he is doing.
'Reading the obituaries', he replied.
'Obituaries aren't on the front page!' said the assistant. The man replied,
'The one I'm looking for will be!'

 

One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems fine, but after awhile she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems fine, but after awhile she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning. Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So, Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask. "It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart."

 

.

 

.

 

"Hello! We'd like to talk to you about an extended vehicle warranty."

 

An old gent living on the Mississippi Delta is watching the flood waters rise. Eventually he climbs up onto his roof to avoid the water. A man in a rowboat comes by and tells the old guy to jump in. Being the religious type, the old guy replies 'I'm a man of faith. God will save me" and the man rows off. The waters continue to rise. A motor launch cruises up. The occupant says, "Jump In!" The old guy replies 'I'm a man of faith. God will save me" and the launch takes off. As the waters deepen a Coast Guard helicopter hovers overhead. The Coastie says "We're lowering a basket. Get in and we'll fly you to safety. The old guy again replies 'I'm a man of faith. God will save me" and the chopper flies off. The waters rise to record levels and the old gent drowns. Next thing he knows he's standing before God. He says, "Don't get me wrong Lord, I'm grateful to be here, but I have been your faithful servant. Why did let me drown? God replies
"What the hell? I sent you two boats and a helicopter!"

 

I'm going to call this one out as exactly why there needs to be such a thing as International Women's Day. We really should move on from these old tropes.

 

Only if they won't give us an International mens' Day:

Wake up at 9:00 to a BJ
Breakfast - Bacon, Eggs, hash browns, toast, OJ & coffee
Go riding your motorcycle, go fishing or golfing
Lunch - Sandwich of choice & beer
Cigar
Nap
Dinner: Anything deep fried - More beer
Watch a game on TV
Cocktails and cigar at eight
A nice massage, shower, good swiving and then to bed

In fact, International Men's Month would be better.

 

They did, but we forgot which day it was.

 

Let alone the pile of dishes in the kitchen..glad we have a couvert for 9!

 

30th. February???