This made me laugh

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The Sunderland manager flies to Kabul to watch a young Afghani play football. He is suitably impressed and arranges for the player to come over.
Two weeks later Sunderland are 4-0 down to Burton Albion with only 20 minutes left. The manager gives the young Afghani striker the nod, and on he goes.
The lad is a sensation. He scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for Sunderland. The fans are delighted, the players and the coach are delighted and the media love the new star.
When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football.
'Hello mum, guess what?' he says 'I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me.'
'Wonderful,' says his mum, 'Let me tell you about my day …
Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were ambushed and assaulted, your brother has joined a gang of looters and all while you tell me that you were having a great time.'
The young lad is very upset. 'What can I say mum, but I'm really sorry.'
'Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!' says his mum, 'It's your bloody fault we came to Sunderland in the first place!

 

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That’s really funny’s

 

A Very Merry Christmas To You and Your Loved Ones

It was Christmas Day in the workhouse
The merriest day of the year
The paupers and the prisoners
Were all assembled there

In came the Christmas pudding
When a voice that shattered glass
Said, "We don't want your Christmas pudding
So stick it
there with the rest of the unwanted presents"

The workhouse master then arose
And prepared to carve the duck
He said "Who wants the parson's nose
And the prisoners shouted
"you have it yourself sir"

The vicar brought his bible
And read out little bits
Said one old crone at the back of the hall
"This man gets on
very well with everybody"

The workhouse mistress then began
To hand out Christmas parcels
The paupers tore the wrappers off
And began to wipe their
eyes, which were full of tears

The master rose to make a speech
But just before he started
The mistress, who was fifteen stone
Gave three loud cheers and
nearly choked herself

And all the paupers then began
To pull their Christmas crackers
One pauper held his too low down
And blew off both his
paper hat and the man's next to him

A steaming bowl of white bread sauce
Was handed round to some
An aged gourmet called aloud
"This bread sauce tastes like
it was made by a continental chef"

Mince pie with custard sauce was next
And each received a bit
One pauper said "The mince pie's nice
But the custard tastes like
the bread sauce we had in the last verse !"

The mistress dishing out the food
Dropped custard down her front
She cried "Aren't I a silly girl"
And they answered "You're a
perfect picture as always ma'am !"

"This pudding ", said the master
"It's solid, hard and thick
how am I going to cut it ?"
And a man cried "Use your
penknife sir, the one with the pearl handle"

The mistress asked the vicar
To entertain his flock
He said "What would you like to see ?"
And they cried "Let's see your
conjuring tricks, they're always worth watching"

"Your reverence may I be excused ?"
Said one benign old chap
"I don't like conjuring tricks
I'd sooner have a
carol or two around the fire"

So then they all began to sing
Which shook the workhouse walls
"Merry Christmas!" cried the master
And the inmates shouted
"Best of luck to you as well sir !"

 

New Harley rally recovery service.

 

I had to check, to see if I’d fail again…

 

https://www.instagram.com/reel/CXz_rTvh8sI/?utm_medium=copy_link

 

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Don’t you pronounce your ‘a’ funny?

 

Must be that spellchecker again.

 

One should not wrap Christmas presents while drinking.

Whoever gets my TV remote, please return it.