A man takes a lady out to dinner for the first time. Later they go on to a show. The evening is a huge success and as he drops her at her door he says "I have had a lovely time. You looked so beautiful, you remind me of a beautiful rambling rose. May I call on you tomorrow?" She agrees and a date is made. The next night he knocks on her door and when she opens it she slaps him hard across the face. He is stunned. "What was that for?" he asked. She said "I looked up rambling rose in the encyclopaedia last night and it said 'Not well suited to bedding but is excellent for rooting up against a garden wall.'"
A little girl asks her mum, 'Mum, can I take the dog for a walk around the block?' Her mum replies 'No, because she is on heat.' 'What does that mean?' asked the child. 'Go and ask your father. I think he's in the garage..' The little girl goes out to the garage and says, 'Dad, can I take Lulu for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was on the heat, and to come ask you.' He took a rag, soaked it in petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said 'OK, you can go now, but keep Lulu on the leash and only go one time around the block.' The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.. Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Lulu?' The little girl said, 'She ran out of petrol about halfway round the block, so another dog is pushing her home.'
At a wine merchant's warehouse the regular wine taster died, and the director started looking for a new one to hire. A retired Naval Aviator, drunk and with a ragged dirty look, came to apply for the position. The director wondered how to send him away. They gave him a glass to drink. The old Salt tried it and said, “It's a Muscat three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade but acceptable.” “That's correct,” said the boss. “Another glass, please.” “It's a cabernet, eight years old, south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at eight degrees. Requires three more years for finest results.” “Absolutely correct. A third glass.” He calmly said, “It's a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive.” The director was astonished and winked at his secretary to suggest something. She left the room and came back in with a glass of urine. The Aviator tried it. “It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant, and if I don't get the job, I'll name the father.”
A professor at Cardiff University was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies (so read this in a welsh accent) To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands. "Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands. "That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" About 15 students raise their hand. "Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" Three students raise their hands. "That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" Way in the back, Dilwyn raises his hand. The professor takes off his glasses and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience." The student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Dilwyn , tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?" Dilwyn replied, "Shit, from way back there, I thought you said Goats !!!! "
