This made me laugh

A guy sees a fellow on a park bench talking to a little spider in a small box. To his amazement, the spider is talking back. He offers the fellow $1000 dollars for the spider, thinking he could make some money with the spider at the bar. The fellow agrees and the guy takes the spider home. When he gets home, he says to the spider, "How about we go down to the pub for a pint?" The spider doesn't answer. He asks again and there's no response. Beginning to think the fellow in the park was a ventriloquist and that he'd been duped he says loudly "I SAID, HOW ABOUT WE GO DOWN TO THE PUB FOR A PINT?" The spider says,
"I heard you the first time. I'm putting on my fucking shoes."

 

The Madam opened the brothel door in Belfast and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties:
“May I help you sir?” She asked.
The man replied. “I want to see Rosie.”
“Sir, Rosie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else.” Said the madam.
He replied. “No, I must see Rosie.”
Just then, Rosie appeared and announced to the man she charged £10,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten thousand pounds and gave it to Rosie and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Rosie. Rosie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. “There are no discounts. The price is still £10,000.”
Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Rosie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Rosie and they went upstairs.
After their session, Rosie said to the man. “No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?”
The man replied. “Falls Road .”
“Really.” She said. “I have family on the Falls Road.”
“I know.” The man said. “Your sister died and I am her Solicitor. She asked me to give you your £30,000 inheritance.”
The moral of this story is, that three things in life are certain:
1. Death.
2. Taxes.
3. Being screwed by a lawyer....

 

Someone tore out the page for the fifth month from my calendar.

I'm dis May'ed.

 

There's a new strain of lice going around that has no known treatment. It has doctors scratching their heads.

 

I tried reasoning with the fog, but it was just too dense.

 

Luigi walks to work 20 blocks everyday and passes a shoe store twice every day.
Each day he stops and looks in
the window to admire the Armani leather shoes.
He wants those shoes so much
...it's all he can think about.
After about 2 months he saves
the price of the shoes, £300,
and purchases them.
Every Friday night the Italian community holds a dance in the church basement.
Luigi seizes this opportunity to wear his new Armani leather shoes for the first time.
He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance he asks her,
'Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?'
Startled, Sophia replies,
'Yes, Luigi , I do wear red panties tonight, but how do you know?'
Luigi answers,'I see the reflection in my new £300 Armani leather shoes. How do you like them?'
Next he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he asks, ' Rosa , doyou wear white panties tonight?'
Rosa answers, 'Yes, Luigi , I do, but how do you know that?'
He replies, 'I see the reflection in my new £300 Armani leather shoes... How do you like them?'
Now as the evening is almost over and the last song is being played, Luigi asks Carmela to dance.
Midway through the dance his face turns red...
He states, 'Carmela, be stilla my heart. Please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight. Please, please, tella me this true!'
Carmela smiles coyly and answers, 'Yes Luigi , I wear no panties tonight...'
Luigi gasps, 'Thanka Fuck ....
I thought I had a crack in my
£300 Armani leather shoes!!

 

Do you talk to your plants?

I've heard it can be beneficial to you and the plants. It helps the plants overall health and it has a calming effect on the gardener.

I tried talking to my herb garden. As strange as it sounds, it took some thyme, but I actually got some sage advice.

 

Spot the difference: the eyes and mouth are in fact different. Pro tip: look at "difference" images with crossed eyes (sort of like those "3D" images but crossed eyes), the differences literally pop out at you.

 

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream van hadn't come along."