Choice Response To Muppet Drivers.

I met a crazy, angry and stupid woman today. Driving to Ryka’s at Box Hill, I fell in behind another Triumph rider on a classic Twin (of some description). Together we tootled Eastbound along the A246 through the Horsleys each following the IAM approved way of lane positioning, keeping to speed limits, and generally being sensible etc. Somewhere along the way, a driver was turning right from a side road and would have pulled out immediately infront of us necessitating us to have braked - thankfully she noticed an oncoming car from the opposite direction and stopped - just narrowly avoiding hitting that!

She finally pulled out and started following. Eventually, biker X and I pulled up at some traffic lights, taking a number four position on the road to be prepared as there were parked cars the other side of the crossing and it made sense to ‘leave a little room’ as we passed. This is when mad, crazy woman decided to try and SQUEEZE through on our nearside. When she drew level with me I politely asked what she was doing, made easier as she was in a cabriolet with the hood down - she told me she could do this as I was driving in the middle of the road… To be fair, filtering is legal but pointless in a car - her nearside tyres were in the dirt as she executed this bit of text book driving.

There are times like this I wish I could immediately think of something cutting to say. Sadly I just told her this is where motorcycles are supposed to be positioned, and that she is a bloody idiot. Accurate, but not particularly pithy…

If anyone has any stock comments to fire off at stupid drivers then please let me know. I’d like a nice long list…

All the more annoying as I usually spend my time waving at drivers and thanking them for not pulling out

 

She was 'a bit ugly', and as such this response would have been surprisingly appropriate.

 

Totally agree. Still quite like the idea of calling this particular miscreant a “fucking red nose twat”! Maybe count to ten slowly and instead call her that under my breath.

 

I am sure Oscar Wilde would have some pretty decent 'put downs'. Sadly he's not on the internet so can't make any useful suggestions.

To be fair, there are times when simply calling someone a Twat is the most logical thing to do. However I do quite like the Monty Python type of delivery - a long irrelevant rant that isn't quite rude but is... For example:

[French soldier to Arthur]: “I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries…”

Sadly I end up with "What are you doing?!? You're a Fcuking Idiot" - but I did smile at them - before reving the nuts of the bike and roaring off. Sadly a Tiger 800 XRX only sounds like a hairdryer* and rather spoilt the effect.

*Or so my Harley driving friends tell me...

On the presumption that the object of my well phrased insult can't hear me, I have just invested in a Denali Split SoundBomb which i eagerly await. If nothing else I'll scare the fuckers to death - and probably crap my pants too!

 

Very good!

I'll take "I have neither the time nor the crayons to explain this to you..." as a building block for a classy putdown. Nice job andyc1!