This made me laugh

Newsman on street outside of residence to police officer: "Can you tell us what's going on here, officer?"

Officer: "It appears we have a homicide. The female resident murdered her husband."

Newsman: "Have you established a motive yet?"

Officer: "He walked on her freshly mopped floor."

Newsman: "Has the wife been arrested?"

Officer: "No. The floor's still wet."

 

Very rare photo just discovered of Willie Nelson and Keith Richard taken during the construction of the Pyramids

 

judging by the basket, it wasn't as long as mine

 

A man was assaulted coming out of a local bar last night with a violin, a clarinet and French horn.

Police believe it was an orchestrated attack.

 

Had to share.

 

Anybody get stressed about Christmas Dinner ? Read this from a butcher,
I’ve pinched this, but it’s fab!!
Just in case anyone is stressing about Christmas Day..............!
Here's my top tip
Christmas Dinner....
I have concluded that the inevitable stress of Christmas dinner is created by adverts, supermarkets and TV chefs...
It's a Sunday dinner for goodness sake!!!
The only difference is that you are allowed to open a bottle of wine before you open the kitchen curtains.
We do it quite happily 51 weeks of the year but can we the consumers be trusted to manage by ourselves on one day of the year...apparently not!
Here goes...
1. Turkey... It's a big fecking chicken that's all, 20 minutes per lb plus 20 minutes at 180 degrees - jobs a good un! Get yourselves a meat thermometer £3 off the Internet poke it in the offending bird if it says 75 degrees or over it's cooked!
2. Stuffing - regardless of what Jamie Oliver says, you do NOT need 2lbs of shoulder of pork, onions breadcrumbs, pine nuts and a shit load of fresh herbs to make stuffing....( no fecking wonder he's bankrupt if that's what he spends to make stuffing!)
What you need is Paxo and a kettle!! If you wanna liven it up squeeze 3 sausages out of their skins and mix that in with your Paxo before cooking .
3. Gravy - Jamie Oliver is copping for this one as well....
Bisto Jamie.... All you need is Bisto!
I ( nor anyone else I know) has got time on Christmas Eve to piss about roasting chicken wings and vegetables, adding stock and flour,cooking it for another half hour, mashing it all up with a potato masher and then straining the whole sorry mess to make gravy
4. Vegetables... Never mind faffing round shredding sprouts and frying them with bacon and chestnuts to make them more palatable... If you don't like them don't buy and cook the fecking things!! If your family only eats frozen peas then that's good enough!
5. Roast potatoes... Yes I par boil mine then roast them in goose fat but Aunt Bessie also does the same .
6. Trimmings /Christmas pudding and the like.... Aldi or Lidl!
(Oh and while we're on the subject of pudding - if Bird's Custard is what your family likes on the wretched thing then that's fine - you do not need brandy butter /rum sauce etc or anything else that costs a fecking fortune and takes 2 hours to make!)
7. Family....
Children.. Feed the little blighters first separately, if they only want turkey with tomato sauce - fine leave em to it, it doesn't matter. Once they are fed bugger them off to play with their Christmas presents so that YOU can enjoy your dinner in Peace!
Adults... Anyone that can manage to get their sorry arse to your dinner table is also capable of helping to serve up/ sort the kids out/ clear the table /wash up /dry up etc.
And Finally.....
NO ONE.... And I mean no one APART FROM THE COOK IS ALLOWED TO GET PISSED AND FALL ASLEEP BEFORE THE WASHING UP IS DONE!!!

 

Happy Easter everybody, B&Ms have got them out already.

 

"Can you get some bleach, washing powder and some shake and vac while you're out?" My wife asked.
"Can you not wait until you’ve opened your presents tomorrow?" I replied.

 

How's your punk music knowledge.... must admit it took me a minute.