This made me laugh

I had a dream about clowns last night.

I must have slept funny.

 

I bet that pigeon has a sore head!

 

Ouch….

 

I woke up this morning with a case of laryngitis. (I really did!)

I'm so upset.

I can't talk about it.

 

At The Kelpies today and got this nice photo..... no I haven't bought a drone, it's a picture in the loo!!

Nice though.

 

My daughter came in crying. "I hate that school." She sobbed. "The kids are mean. They play dirty tricks. They stole my lunch, turned my desk over and filled my bookbag with dirt. I don't want to go back."

"Well," I said. "Maybe you just aren't cut out for teaching."

 

A woman goes to a plastic surgeon for a facelift. The doctor tells her about a new, non-invasive procedure where he implants a small key (or sometimes a knob/screw) at the back of her head, which she can turn to tighten her skin whenever she notices wrinkles or sagging.
She gets the procedure and is delighted with the results for several years, giving the key a little turn every so often to maintain her youthful appearance.
However, after about fifteen years, she rushes back to the doctor's office with a complaint:
"Doctor," she says, "everything was great, but now I have these terrible bags under my eyes, and no amount of turning the key will get rid of them!"
The doctor examines her and says, "Ma'am, those aren't bags under your eyes... those are your breasts."
"Oh!" she replies, shocked. "In that case, I suppose there's no point asking about the beard, is there?"

 

The royal barge flipped, and Cleopatra ended up in the river. She was pulled to safety but refused to acknowledge the incident ever happened.

She was in de Nile.