This made me laugh

If you want to know who loves you more, your wife or your dog, lock them both in the trunk of your car for an hour. When you open the trunk note which one is happy to see you.

 

Want rid of your old broken fridge freezer? Paint a St George’s cross on it and your local council will take it away for free.

 

Oh, I thought it was an artifact unearthed from the period of the Crusades. A sacred relic of the Fighting Friars of the Holy Fridge where they kept the alter wine chilled that was used to fill the Holy Grail.

 

In the library today.... err, no, I'll stick with my motorcycle!

 

I thought it was a First Aid cupboard.

 

RIP Bob, whose wife sent him out for a sack of potatoes, but instead he spent all the money and all day at the bar.

Gone, but not au gratin.

 

My wife said dinner will be sandwiches of spreadable sausage that is made from a combination of ground pork liver and other meat such as beef or veal.

I'm prepared for the wurst.

 

Just called my mate at work and he said that he hasn't stopped all day.
Lovely bloke…
Shit bus driver though.

 

True story. I was talking to a guy who is an airplane mechanic. Probably an inside joke among airplane mechanics.

He boasted that he had a 100% success rate with planes he repaired. Not a single one ever failed to come back down.

Kinda' like a doctor who was stitching up my hand a couple years ago. It was bleeding quite a bit. He said, "Don't worry. All bleeding stops...eventually"

 

My Grandfather downed 35 German aircraft during WW2
He still holds the record as the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.