This made me laugh

I have a new pet.

He's a termite.

I named him Clint.

Yeah...

Clint Eatswood.

 

That was pretty funny, but I always feel bad when I'm cutting up celery.

It looks like it's surrendering.

 

Two Scotsman in a bar and one say's to the other....
"what's the difference between Walt Disney and Bing Crosby"?
"I've no idea"
"Och it's easy man, Bing sings but Walt Disney".

 

I heard a version of that, something along the lines of......

What's the difference between Elena Mae and Walt Disney?

Elena may but Walt disney!

 

For a school science experiment, a teacher places four worms in four separate test tubes:
1st in beer
2nd in wine
3rd in whiskey
4th in mineral water
The next day, the teacher shows the results:
The 1st worm in beer, dead.
The 2nd in wine, dead.
The 3rd in whiskey, dead.
The 4th in mineral water, alive and healthy.
The teacher asks the class:
What do we learn from this experience?
And a child responds:
Whoever drinks beer, wine, and whiskey, does not have worms.

 

There's also dirt bike.

 

Calls for Morrissey to be arrested after footage emerges of him demanding the DJ be hanged

 

A man walks into a watering hole with a large box and takes a seat at the bar. The bartender, curious, asks, “What’s in the box?”
The man says, “I’ll show you if you get me a free beer.”
So the bartender gets the man a beer. The man drinks it, then pulls out a minuscule little man and a matching piano. The little man promptly starts playing the little piano.
“Hey, that’s pretty cool,” the bartender says. “Where did you get that?”
The man says, “I’ll tell you if you get me another beer.”
So the bartender gets the man another beer. The man drinks it. “I got it from a genie in a lamp,” he finally reveals.
Fully invested now, the bartender says, “If you let me borrow that lamp, I’ll give you another beer.”
“Sure!” the man answers. The bartender gets him another beer, and the man hands the bartender the lamp.
The bartender rubs the lamp and sure enough, a genie pops out.
“You are now my master,” the genie announces. “I will grant you one wish. What will it be?”
The bartender immediately says, “I wish for a million bucks!”
All of a sudden, a million ducks start flying into the room.
“What the heck is this!” screams the bartender, attempting to chase them out. “I wished for a million bucks, not a million ducks!”
The man, still sitting at the bar, responds, “Do you really think I wished for a 12-inch pianist?”