This made me laugh

Quote of the day:
My wife and I are working on our second million.
The first one came to nothing.

 

How true is this.

 

Mr. Dickson, the science teacher, asked his 4th graders one day if anyone knew how to put 2 holes into 1 hole.
Since no one was able to answer the question, he told the kids to go home and ask their fathers.They came back the next day and still no one knew the answer.
"Look," said Mr. Dickson while holding his index finger against his thumb, forming a little "zero."
"This is one hole, my nose has 2 holes, and I can put my hand over my nose and make my nose holes appear insi...de this other hole.""Aaaaaaahhhhhh," said the children.
The next day, Little Johnny stood up and said, "Mr. Dickson,my daddy wants to know if you know how to put 7 holes in 1 hole. "Hmmmm," he thought,
"How can you put 7 holes in 1? Well, I'll be darned; I don't know how to do that. Um, did your father tell you how to?"
Yes," said Little Johnny, "You take a flute and shove it up your arse!!

 

You know the romance is over when you come to bed, ready to make love to your wife, and she is on the phone, and she tells whoever she is talking to that she will call them back in a couple minutes.

 

I was planning on doing a charity abseil from the top of a local hospital this weekend but I've been advised not to, on medical grounds.

 

Of all your body parts your fingers are the most reliable.

You can always count on them.

 

If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines eight years ago, you would have £49.00 today.
If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in AIG insurance seven years ago, you would have £33.00 today.
If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers eleven years ago, you would have nothing today.
If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in Northern Rock nine years ago, you would have nothing today
But, if you had purchased £1,000 worth of beer one year ago at Tesco's, drunk all the beer, then taken the aluminum cans to the scrap metal dealer, you would have received £214.00.
Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle.
A recent study found that the average person walks about 900 miles a year.
Another study found that we drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.
That means that, on average, we get about 41 miles to the gallon!
Makes you proud to be a piss head.