This made me laugh

No... it’s ‘coz you’re thinking about kissing other blokes (literally)... it makes you come over all Julian Clary ...

 

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Oooh err Missus!

Oldfart

 

Cum all over Julian Clary ????

 

If he can only manage 30 seconds at anything I'm going to say 'divorced'.

 

Clearly that is not you, Rooster.

It's a guinea pig.

 

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If you're feeling upstaged by a Christmas tree and have to go to those lengths for attention, it's probably time to re-evaluate your life.

 

A young Hebburn woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the sea but just before she could throw herself from the wharf, a handsome young man stopped her.
"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor and we are off to Australia tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day and keep you happy."
With nothing to lose and the prospect of going to Australia, the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine and make love to her until dawn.
Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection. "What are you doing here?" asked the captain.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Australia."
"I see," the captain says.
Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Shields ferry."

 

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Bollox, don’t follow this advice folks... that’s a feckin’ red deer and now all my hand drawn Christmas Cards look stupid!