This made me laugh

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A doctor can't find a job in a hospital in the US, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside that reads:
"GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100."
A lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.
Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."
Doctor: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."
Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."
Doctor: "Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20."
The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money.
Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything."
Doctor: "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth."
Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste."
Doctor: "Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20."
The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.
Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all."
Doctor: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100."
Lawyer (staring at the note): "But this is $20, not $100!"
Doctor: "Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20"

 

Emergency measures in Ireland as pubs shut....

 

Fancy a really cheap flight.......

 

An Englishman, an Irishman, a Welshman and a Scot are captured by the Iraqis. The Iraq troop leader says, "we"re going to shoot you, but we will give you one last request." He says to the Welshman, "what"s your last request?"The Welshman says, "I want a thousand Welshman singing "Land of my Fathers".""Okay, you"ve got it. What about you?" he says to the Scotsman."I want a thousand Scots pipers piping Scotland the brave," says the Scot."You"ve got it" says the Iraqi. "What"s your last request?" he says to the Irishman."I want a thousand Irishman doing the Riverdance" says Paddy."It"s yours" says the Iraqi. Turning to the Englishman, he says, "and your last request?" The Englishman says, "fucking shoot me first".

 

Well this made me chuckle. A bit.
I was driving in the car earlier, the radio was on and the dj had people calling in saying what food they really hated and why. One bloke called in and said he had never ever been able to eat sprouts since the age of about five when one of his uncles had told him that sprouts were really budgie's heads.

 

A man called Kevin is selling his python on ebay.
Some bloke rings him up and asks “is it long”?
Kevin replies “very long”
Then the bloke says “how many feet”?
Kevin says “none... its a snake you twat”!

 

My next door neighbour knocked on my door wearing just a see through negligee, asked to borrow a cup of sugar and then winked at me and asked to come in for a cup of coffee. I said . . . " Fuck off Dave".

 

An Englishman is driving around the Safari park with his little lad in the car and as they drive through the lion enclosure the little lad asks " daddy why is that lion licking the other lions bum like that"
Dad replies " well son that lion there has just eaten an Scotsman, now he's trying to get the taste out of his mouth"