A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am. 'About 32,' is the reply.' 'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily. A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.' The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.' Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question. The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.' Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!' While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.' They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.' He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay.....How old am I?' He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.' Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?' 'I was behind you at McDonalds'
“How come you can't keep an erection these days?" Asked the wife, after another unsuccessful attempt at love-making. “I'm sorry love, it's not my fault." I told her, "It's the mirror." “Really?" She said, disbelievingly. "The mirror?" “Yeah." I replied. "Go and have a fucking good look in it."
How to pass when riding a motorcycle. 1. Position yourself a safe distance behind the car you intend to pass. 2. Look in your right mirror to see that no one is approaching from the rear. 3. Squeeze the clutch lever as you simultaneously twist the throttle toward you 4. Press the shift lever down once to engage the next lower gear, in preparation for acceleration. Engage right turn signal. 5. Release the clutch, and twist the throttle to accelerate as you shift to the right lane and pass the vehicle ahead of you. 6. Shift back to left lane and resume normal speed. Cancel turn signal. *How to pass when riding a triumph rocket 3* 1. Look. 2. Twist.
I was in a really bad mood earlier because my wife accused me of always trying to turn everything in to a joke. After hours of awkward silence, she finally gave in and asked, "What's the matter!?" I replied, "It's the basic structural component of the universe..."
I met an Eskimo at work today, I asked him what his race should really be called (for "pc"reasons) He said he couldn't remember... but I think Inuit!
