A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede, (100-legged bug), which came in a little white box to use for his house. He took the box back home, found a good spot for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him He asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to church with me today? We will have a good time." But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked again, "How about going to church with me and receive blessings?" But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. The guy decided to invite the centipede one last time. This time he put his face up against the centipede's house and shouted, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to church with me and learn about God?" ... YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE THIS ... This time, a little voice came out of the box, "I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes!"
Two Irishmen flew to Canada on a hunting trip. They chartered a small plane To take them into the Rockies for a weeks hunting moose. They managed to bag 6. As they were loading the plane to return, the Pilot Said the plane could take only 4 moose. The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we shot six. The pilot let Us Take them all and he had the same plane as yours." Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. The plane took off. However, while attempting to cross some mountains even on full power theLittle plane couldn't handle the load and went down. Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, only Paddy and Mick survived The crash. After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, "Any idea where we are?" Mick replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."
I saw these two blind guys about to fight and I shouted "My money's on the one with the knife." You should have seen how fast they both ran off.
I grew up in a tough part of town. The local yobs used to cover me in chocolate and cream and then put a cherry on my head. Life was hard in the gateau.
Englishman "Oh my God, ham sandwhiches again. Everyday she makes me the same ones. I work hard on this building site, and for what? Well I have had enough. If I get Ham tomorrow then I'm jumping off this building" Scotsman "Oh ffs, tuna again! I'm sick of it too. I tell you what, if she makes me tuna tomorrow, I'll jump off with you." Irishman "Would you believe it, cheese sandwhiches again. Well I'm sick of it too. If I get cheese again tomorrow then I'll jump off aswell." Then next day the guys open their lunchboxes to find they all have the same old sandwhiches, and as promised, all three jump to their deaths. All three men have a joint funeral in honour of their time together. The wives all hug with tears in their eyes. English wife "He never said anything. Why didn't he tell me? I could have made other ones" Scot wife "Tell me about it, I thought he loved tuna. Why didn't he complain to me?" Irish wife "I'm really confused. He made his own sandwhiches."
My missus' sister just knocked me out. What kind of sick woman sprays chloroform on her used knickers?
10 best jokes from this year's Fringe. Robert Garnham: Insomnia is awful. But on the plus side – only three more sleeps till Christmas. Dan Antopolski: Centaurs shop at Topman. And Bottomhorse. Paul Savage: Oregon leads America in both marital infidelity and clinical depression. What a sad state of affairs. Caroline Mabey: I’m very conflicted by eye tests. I want to get the answers right but I really want to win the glasses. Athena Kugblenu: Relationships are like mobile phones. You’ll look at your iPhone 5 and think, it used to be a lot quicker to turn this thing on. Evelyn Mok: My vagina is kind of like Wales. People only visit ironically. Phil Wang: In the bedroom, my girlfriend really likes it when I wear a suit, because she’s got this kinky fantasy where I have a proper job. Gráinne Maguire: The Edinburgh fringe is such a bubble. I asked a comedian what they thought about the North Korea nuclear missile crisis and they asked what venue it was on in. John-Luke Roberts: How did the Village People meet? They obviously led such different lives. Olaf Falafel: If you’re being chased by a pack of taxidermists, do not play dead.
If they're the ten best I'm glad you've not posted 11 - 20. Number one's good but the rest are pretty sad I'm afraid.
You really haven't got it have you? They were at the fringe so they are great, so Witty and clever, almost made my sleeveless cardigan unknit itself. I suppose you had to be there!
