Why I Like Retirement ! Q1: How many days in a week? Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday Q2: When is a retiree's bedtime? Answer: Two hours after he falls asleep on the couch. Q3: How many retirees to change a light bulb? Answer: Only one, but it might take all day. Q4: What's the biggest gripe of retirees? Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done. Q5: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors? Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount. Q6: Among retirees, what is considered formal attire? Answer: Tied shoes. Q7: Why do retirees count pennies? Answer: They are the only ones who have the time. Q8: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire? Answer: NUTS! Q9: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage? Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there. Q10: What do retirees call a long lunch? Answer: Normal ... Q11: What is the best way to describe Retirement? Answer: The never ending Coffee Break. Q12: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree? Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents. Q13: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with? Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth. Q14: What do you do all week? Answer: Monday through Friday, NOTHING..... Saturday & Sunday, I rest. SERENITY Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, “How old was your husband?” “98”, she replied... “Two years older than me”, “So you're 96”, the undertaker commented... She responded, “Hardly worth going home, is it?” Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: “And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?” the reporter asked... She simply replied, “No peer pressure”. The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs, and have fun finding them. I've sure got old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license. I feel like my body has got totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over. My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out. It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker. These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, “For fast relief”. THE SENILITY PRAYER Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and; The eyesight to tell the difference.
What does a dyslexic, insomniac agnostic do in the middle of the night? He is lying wide awake, wondering if there really is a DOG. (Sorry jtd, just saw that you already posted this Sep.2015...)
After living in the jungle for a while Jane wanted to do the nasty with Tarzan and asked if he knew what sex was. “What’s that?” he asked. She explained to him what sex was and he said, “Oh, Tarzan use a hole in the trunk of tree!” Horrified, she said, “Tarzan you have it all wrong! I’ll show you how to do it properly.” She took off her clothes, dropped to the ground and spread her legs wide. “Here,” she said, “Do to me what you do to the tree” Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer, and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, “What the hell did you do that for?” “Tarzan check for bees first!”
This is a genuine Triumph Cycle advertisement from 1906. “The male mechanic has proved himself infinitely superior to the female – he is capable of doing better, more exact, more reliable work. Morally mixed labour does not raise the standard of either worker, and considerably lowers the standard of the work produced. Triumph Cycles are made in a factory where no female labour whatever is employed. Female labour and best work do not go together, therefore let your machine be Triumph.” 1906 Advertisement for Triumph.
Only right its on this thread, there cant be too much fun, frivolity and whitworth on it, o,k, I'll make a bolt for the door!
This summer, at the breakfast-table at a B&B in Malvern. An English couple was sharing the room with me and my old schoolfriend Peter. We had ourselves a little chat and since everyone tried to avoid religion and politics, the lady started praising Mozart and his fabulous work. I looked up at Peter and asked him: "Mozart, is he still composing?" He replied: "No Daniel, he actually is decomposing..."
Two friends drive to the pub, says one: How much do I have to drink to reach 80 milligrammes of alcohol ? The other: Nothing. You just wait for 2 days...
Google has the answer for everything , I typed in lost medieval servant boy and it came up page not found
Hi Sceptic Al, Barrack room justice has a way of sorting the men from the scrotes. When I was going through basic training @ Kapooka barracks back in the late 70's, we had a really water shy dirty little toe rag ! By week 4 of 11 weeks course his room mates could no longer stand the stink !!! So we put him in his metal trunk added water and a box of OMO and about 10 of us gave it the good old shake about ! When he dribbled out we used some stiff yard brooms to finish off the scrubbing. He was never late to the showers there after ! And tea leaves get worse Or so I've heard. Capt.
