This made me laugh

If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.

 

I'm trying to remember what the French word for white is.
My mind just keeps going blanc

 

I’ve placed an online order for a chicken and an egg.
I’ll let you know….

 

My wife told me to stop doing my flamingo imitation.

I'm going to put my foot down.

 

Every morning this large bird with a long, curved beak wakes me up with its incessant cawing.

Well, toucan play at that game.

 

As I was driving, I saw the flash of a traffic camera. I figured that my picture was taken for exceeding the limit even though I knew I wasn’t speeding.
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Just to be sure, I went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.
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Now I knew that this was quite funny, so I drove even slower and as I passed the area again, the traffic camera flashed. I tried a fourth and fifth time with the same results and was now laughing as the camera flashed while I rolled past dead slow.
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To my horror, a week later, I got five tickets for driving without the seat belt!

 

True story.
I bought a Suzuki Bandit in Vichy France. The seller insisted on meeting at a market rather than his home. His reason, I was to find out was because number 3 cylinder was burning gobs of oil, but you couldn't see the smoke once it warmed up. The next day when I started the bike it layed enough blue smoke down to kill all the mosquitoes around. Even so I rode the bike 1000 kms to Valencia, Spain for the Las Fallas festival figuring I'd transfer the title to my name if it made it back to Vichy.
In France I would run 160 km until I saw a radar sign then slow down to 130 km until I saw the offending camera then speed back up.
Crossing into Spain the speed limit dropped to 120 km, and the radar signs seemed to be every few kms. I continued to slow down when I saw a radar sign, but was only seeing the cameras maybe 1 in 4 signs. "Aha" I thinks to myself. They are saving money by putting up more signs than cameras. So being on a bike I'll just slow down when I actually see a real camera there by continuing to make good time. None the less it was a looong ride, and I got in late. Talking with a friend of a friend who was a Spaniard. I told him how I made such good time by figuring out there were decoy signs. He then explained to me that there were no decoy signs. There was always a camera, but they are often hidden behind bridges, bushes, etc.
Never did put that bike in my name. I wonder how that lying sob seller tried to talk his way out of at least 14 tickets of 160 km.

 

I just paid £1 at the petrol station to put some air in my tyres, £1.... it used to be 20p.

That's inflation for you.

 

I'm very excited

I joined an amateur autopsy club!

Tonight is open Mike night.

 

Most bald people still own a comb. They just can't part with it.

 

Scientists attempted to cross a cheetah with a crab.

Things went sideways, fast.

 

When I was little my mom would buy a block of cheese and proceed to shred it manually for melting into mac and cheese and such.

Now it comes in a bag, pre shredded.

We are getting so damned lazy!

I'd like to make America grate again.

 

Bought the wife a prosthetic leg for Christmas it’s not her main present just a stocking filler