The Sunderland manager flies to Kabul to watch a young Afghani play football. He is suitably impressed and arranges for the player to come over. Two weeks later Sunderland are 4-0 down to Burton Albion with only 20 minutes left. The manager gives the young Afghani striker the nod, and on he goes. The lad is a sensation. He scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for Sunderland. The fans are delighted, the players and the coach are delighted and the media love the new star. When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football. 'Hello mum, guess what?' he says 'I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me.' 'Wonderful,' says his mum, 'Let me tell you about my day … Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were ambushed and assaulted, your brother has joined a gang of looters and all while you tell me that you were having a great time.' The young lad is very upset. 'What can I say mum, but I'm really sorry.' 'Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!' says his mum, 'It's your bloody fault we came to Sunderland in the first place!
A Very Merry Christmas To You and Your Loved Ones It was Christmas Day in the workhouse The merriest day of the year The paupers and the prisoners Were all assembled there In came the Christmas pudding When a voice that shattered glass Said, "We don't want your Christmas pudding So stick it there with the rest of the unwanted presents" The workhouse master then arose And prepared to carve the duck He said "Who wants the parson's nose And the prisoners shouted "you have it yourself sir" The vicar brought his bible And read out little bits Said one old crone at the back of the hall "This man gets on very well with everybody" The workhouse mistress then began To hand out Christmas parcels The paupers tore the wrappers off And began to wipe their eyes, which were full of tears The master rose to make a speech But just before he started The mistress, who was fifteen stone Gave three loud cheers and nearly choked herself And all the paupers then began To pull their Christmas crackers One pauper held his too low down And blew off both his paper hat and the man's next to him A steaming bowl of white bread sauce Was handed round to some An aged gourmet called aloud "This bread sauce tastes like it was made by a continental chef" Mince pie with custard sauce was next And each received a bit One pauper said "The mince pie's nice But the custard tastes like the bread sauce we had in the last verse !" The mistress dishing out the food Dropped custard down her front She cried "Aren't I a silly girl" And they answered "You're a perfect picture as always ma'am !" "This pudding ", said the master "It's solid, hard and thick how am I going to cut it ?" And a man cried "Use your penknife sir, the one with the pearl handle" The mistress asked the vicar To entertain his flock He said "What would you like to see ?" And they cried "Let's see your conjuring tricks, they're always worth watching" "Your reverence may I be excused ?" Said one benign old chap "I don't like conjuring tricks I'd sooner have a carol or two around the fire" So then they all began to sing Which shook the workhouse walls "Merry Christmas!" cried the master And the inmates shouted "Best of luck to you as well sir !"
