I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit. ---------------------------------------- Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate. When I said white, they gave me a 30-minute lecture on the benefits of brown bread. I think they were those Hovis Witnesses.
A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt. Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Rocher.
An Englishman has started his own business in Afghanistan. He is making Land Mines that look like prayer mats! It's doing well! Prophets are going through the roof!
On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his Mercedes into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant who knows absolutely nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is. "Top of the mornin' toyer, sir" says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground. "What are those?, asks the attendant. "They're called tees" replies Tiger. "Well, what on this god's earth are dey for??" enquires the Irishman. "They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving," says Tiger. "Fookin Jaysus", says the Irishman, "Mercedes thinks of everything!"
An old lady goes to the doctor and says, "I have this problem with frequent gas. Fortunately, the farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 10 times since I've been here, and I bet you didn't even notice!" The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back next week." The next week the old lady returns. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my silent farts stink like the dickens." The doctor says, "Good! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."
Please note that with the arrival of the new "Drive-thru" cash point machines, customers will be able to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. To enable users to use this new facility the following procedures have been drawn up. Please read the procedure that applies to your own circumstances(i.e. MALE or FEMALE) and remember them for when you use the machine for the first time. MALE PROCEDURE 1 Drive up to the cash machine. 2 Wind down your car window. 3 Insert card into machine and enter PIN. 4 Enter amount of cash required and withdraw. 5 Retrieve card, cash, and receipt 6 Wind up window 7 Drive off FEMALE PROCEDURE 1 Drive up to cash machine 2 Reverse back the required amount to align car window to machine 3 Re-start the stalled engine 4 Wind down the window 5 Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card. 6 Locate make-up bag and check make-up in rear view mirror 7 Attempt to insert card into machine 8 Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car 9 Insert card 10 Insert card the right way up 11 Re-enter handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page 12 Enter PIN. 13 Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN. 14 Enter amount of cash required 15 Re-check make up in rear view mirror 16 Retrieve cash and receipt 17 Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside 18 Place receipt in back of cheque book 19 Re-check make-up again 20 Drive forwards 2 metres 21 Reverse back to cash machine 22 Retrieve card 23 Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided 24 Re-check make-up 25 Restart stalled engine and pull off 26 Drive for 3 to 4 miles 27 Release hand brake
A bloke escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money, beer and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the bloke out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then goes into the bathroom. While the man is in the bathroom, the husband tells the wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped inmate, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years... I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which the wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey, I love you too!!
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English". In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter. In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away. By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru. Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
