I was reading g a Cumbria tourist magazine today. This word unscramble was in it. Is it my filthy mind are there a few unsuitable phrases in this? Tore Hamburger Slot!!! That has to be rude???? I And crotch testes, that has to be bollox?
A new Army Captain had been assigned to a remote post in the Afghanistan dessert. During his first inspection of the outfit he noticed a camel tied up behind the mess tent. He asked the sergeant why the camel is kept there. The nervous sergeant said “Well Sir, as you know there are over 250 men on this post and no women. And Sir sometimes the men have ‘urges’. That’s why we have Mollie the camel”. The Captain says “I can’t say I condone this, but I understand about ‘urges’ so the camel can stay” About a month later the captain starts having his own ‘urges’. Crazy with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down and has wild, insane sex with the camel. When he’s done, he asks the Sergeant “Is that how the men do it?” The sergeant replies “No not really Sir, they usually just ride it into town where the girls are”
Europe reaction to latest terror threats The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada. The Scots have raised their threat level from "P!ssed Off" to "Let's Get the B4stards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years. The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides." The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose." Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels. The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy. Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far, no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
At last I have found out what PPI is It's a medical condition you get if you don't wear your goggles in the local swimming pool
Wife said she would like to go to the Jeremy Kyle show for her birthday in December,so I pumped her sister last night and we're on next Tuesday !!!
Wife texts husband on a cold winter’s morning: "Windows frozen, won't open." Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it." Wife texts back 5 minutes later: "Computer is really fecked up now.”
My daughter tipped a glass of ribena into her laptop, worked OK until it fully dried and the keys all stuck down!!! Sold it for £40, for parts!
I saw Arnold Schwarzenegger eating a chocolate egg. I said, "I bet I know what your favourite Christian festival is." He said, "Have to love Easter, baby.”
