I was gonna give my change to a homeless guy today, but his sign said "ONE DAY IT COULD BE YOU." So I held onto it , just in case he was right.
FOOD SHORTAGE Last month a world-wide Telephone Survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:- "Could you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" (The survey was a massive failure because of the following 1. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant. 2. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant. 3. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. 4. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant. 5. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant. 6. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant. 7. In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant. 8. In the UK they hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.
Has Anyone seen the new pound coins? Apparently the Shape was changed so that a spanner can be used to remove the coin from a Scotsman s palm
@Mrs. President My parents have such a dress in their kitchen... They call it curtain But taste knows no bounds...
Dave and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in Heathrow Airport. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do. Dave said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!' Jim says, 'Me too. I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?' So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed. The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing! Then the phone rings. It's Jim . Jim says, 'Hey, how do you feel this morning?' Dave says, 'I feel great, how about you?' Jim says, 'I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?' Dave says, 'No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing.We ought to do this more often..' ' Yeah, well there's just one thing.' 'What's that?' 'Have you farted yet?' 'No.' 'Well, DON'T - cause I'm in Athens '
A man was looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library. He asked a girl: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?" The girl replied, in a loud voice "NO, I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!" All the people in the library started staring at the man, who was deeply embarrassed and moved to another table. After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the man's table and said with a laugh: "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking; I bet you felt embarrassed, right? "The man responded in a loud voice: "$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? ..... I`M NOT PAYING YOU THAT MUCH!" All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The man whispered to her: "I study law and I know how to screw people".
My mate just rang me in tears. His wife has left him, taken his Bob Marley collection and the satellite dish. Poor sod. No woman, no sky!
What did George Michael and a pair of Wellington boots have in common? They both got sucked off in bogs. Got pulled up by the police last night and ordered to get off my bike. "You're staggering." Said the officer. "You're not fucking bad looking yourself." I replied.
